Throw The Bums Out

bum: noun
1. person, after being elected to office, exhibits severe psychosis involving delusions of grandeur.
2. person with no particular purpose but has chosen to squat on public property as if they owned it.

Let’s face it, who doesn’t want to be a bum. 

Bums have all of the power and who doesn’t want power?
Right? Right.

We all want power. Of course, the down side is that sometimes there is a call to throw all the bums out, but generally speaking, this never happens. So despite their periodic bad reputation, everyone wants to be a bum.

Let’s look at the facts. One minute you could be a struggling attorney suing the pants off of a real or fabricated enemy, or, teaching other struggling-soon-to-be-attorneys, how all of the pants in the world should belong to them. Then by happenstance, you find yourself to be a bum. Now, the same people who lost their pants to you and don’t particularly like running around with their fannies exposed for all the world to see, pay you to continue to take them to the cleaners. They have plenty of reasons to want to dispose of you, but the fact of the matter is, you are now a bum. Bums bring out the the strangest behavior in their constituents. Bums tell their bottomless constituents how they will fight for them now, since they have no pants. This is always well received. But let’s face it, if you are standing around, basically flashing the world, you would receive anything well, even if it’s from the very bum that took your pants in the first place.

Yes sir, “We’re the bums of America and we’re on your side,” they tell us. “Yay! We love it. See, they care about us. They like us, they really, really like us.” So bums really do have the life. And they can change the rules as often as they need to, in order to keep the life. And who knows if you’ll belong to the same bum tomorrow or not.

Bums also get to become world class travelers. They care about the people of the world so very much, you know. These folks tend to have more colorful pants, and they’re cheaper, so our bums want them. Well of course they do, their own constituents don’t have pants any longer…they’re n-a-e-c-k-e-e-a-d!

Also, bums require special treatment. They like to eat well. They like to be invited to nice meals. Now, let’s face it, if you have no pants, you really can’t take your bum to a nice restaurant. Most restaurants require shoes at the very least. And nice restaurants require a jacket and tie as well. So these restaurants wouldn’t appreciate a clientele with their tushies exposed. So unless you can figure out how to get new pants that the bums won’t take, and cover up those privates, you get bupkis. Yes it’s true, bums have great perks.

But like we’ve already established, there is the periodic call to throw the bums out. By that we generally mean, ‘your’ bums not ‘our’ bums. We may have no pants at all, thanks to our bums, but they’re our bums and we’re keeping them.

Does this fig leaf make me look fat?

You can buy Throw The Bums Out cards (with the story inside), t-shirts, and buttons at Zazzle.