The True Story of Chicken Little

Meltdown-Scream-CardChicken Little wasn’t really a chicken, but he was little. He was also a nervous little bird, which is why his friends called him “chicken”. He had a lot of misfortune in his life so he tended to be a bit pessimistic. (Today, he would have no friends at all, because most people have to be happy and positive at all costs or their lives would surely stop cold.) He was more like Charlie Brown with that dark cloud of doom following him around. He’d been hit in the head a lot, with everything from acorns to hammers, so he had a right to be nervous.

America-ChinaOne day, while at his home near Three Mile Island, Pennsylvania, he was hit in the head again, really bad. There was a huge explosion and a ton of rocks and earth shot up into the air right in his backyard. The explosion was so massive it damaged Three Mile Island’s Unit 2 and it started to meltdown. It was shut down and it still isn’t used today. But Unit 1 was fine and is still in operation. And there are no zombies running around either.
Anyway, the stuff that shot into the air started to come down and Chicken Little was bombarded by it and hid under his house until it ended. When the dust settled he saw a huge hole in his backyard. He went closer to look at it when all of a sudden all of these Chinese soldiers started pouring out of it. We’ve all known for years that the People’s Republic of China was spying on us and attempting to make us a wholly owned subsidiary, they practically own us already, but now they’ve figured out how to blast their way into Pennsylvania of all places.
Chicken Little thought, “Oh crap! What now!” This tunnel was bigger than the ones that the Mexicans dug into California. You could drive a tank though it. And that’s exactly what the Chinese soldiers were doing.

Well this was more than Chicken Little could take. As we see here, he’s had it with Pennsylvania (and he certainly didn’t want to be ruled by the Chinese) and decided to leave. He made his way to California and used one of the Mexican tunnels to enter Mexico. And that’s the last anyone has heard or seen of him. Well, it’s common knowledge that you can’t illegally enter Mexico. The police arrest you and no one will see you ever again. They’re not real big on illegal immigration. They do like emigration, they like that a lot, but not immigration. Kind of like the rest of the world, but not here. You’re a very mean and hateful person if you don’t like illegal immigration here in this country.
Anyway Chicken Little was probably made into soup a long time ago. Or maybe he was offered up in a religious sacrificial ritual.

The people that made the movie “The China Syndrome” got the idea from this event, only they switched it around to make it look like it was our fault, not the Chinese government’s. They wanted everyone to think nuclear power is dangerous, which it’s not, but the Chinese Army is and so are the Mexican police. And it has been overheard that President Xi Jinping of the People’s Republic of China doesn’t even like Jane Fonda, but a lot of people don’t, it’s not just a Chinese thing.

But now, when you tell your children the tale of Chicken Little you can give them the correct version. If they’re sad just tell them life doesn’t always work out as planned. Sometimes a lot of stuff hits you in the head.

Meltdown Scream cards, posters and more gifts can be found at Zazzle.
America China t-shirts and gifts can be found at Zazzle.

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