The Runaway Christmas Elf: A Dubious Story

Christmas-Elf-CardHe had enough.
Enough toys.
Enough cookies and milk.
Enough short people jokes.
Enough big ear jokes.
Enough of the fat old man and his ho, ho this, and his ho, ho that. Kris wanted more…much more.
He wanted a warm sunny climate. He was tired of freezing his butt off all year long. He wanted a good meal. He was just simply tired of his persistent sugar high. If he was going to be high, it would have to be over something better than sugar.
But most of all, he was tired of Santa. Kris has a really good personality and he gets along with just about anyone…usually. But Santa had started to get under his skin, big time. He can be so annoying with his “wee little folk” and his “cookies and milk for everyone.” (Goodness, can you imagine what it’s like working with a whole group of people who have milk breath all the time?) And when you talk to Santa about…anything, he lifts you up to sit on his lap. It’s humiliating! Kris is 29 already, and most of the others are much older than that.

Christmas_Elf_t-shirtWell, it was inevitable. He finally broke. He made his escape plans with his closest friend, Blitzen. (Blitzen was another one that had been feeling abused and taken for granted. Let’s face it, who really cares what Blitzen thinks. It’s always “Rudolf this, and Rudolf that. Rudolf! Rudolf! Rudolf!” Yeah, well, take away that sleep-robbing-neon-light of a nose and what have you got? Nothing! You got reindeer with no nose. He’d be nothing.)
So, the time arrived, they packed a couple of lunch boxes (cookies and milk it’ll have to be for now). Then, they stole some of Santa’s cash, made reservations at the Laguna Beach Hotel and snuck out. After they made their way to Sunny California, and had a good meal for the first time in their lives, they high-tailed it out to the beach. “Oh, Hoochie Mama! Look at all of the babes!” they both exclaimed. Well, these two were smart enough to know that their stunning good looks would get them only so far. So they took their stolen cash and headed out to get some hot clothes that would set off their boyish charms, and “Look out California!” Kris and Blitzen set out to PARTAAA with ALL of the California babes. You can almost hear Rod Stewart singing in the background, “If you want my body, and you think I’m sexy, come on honey let me know.”
Yeah, you go Rod.
But of course, there is always a down side to even the best of circumstances. (Didn’t someone say that once? Oh, yeah…that was me.) Now they’ll have to watch their backs, especially at Christmas time when Santa flies over. He has a great satellite system these days, and a little known fact about Santa is that he is very possessive about his stuff. You wouldn’t think this was the case, with all of the toys he gives out. But when it comes to ‘his money’ and ‘his cookies and milk’ and ‘his elves’, well, he’s like a man possessed. They’re his, and he wants them back. So as good as Kris and Blitzen look, they will always be looking over their shoulders, since he really does know when they’re sleeping and he knows when they’re awake.
And he knows that they’ve been very, very bad.

The Christmas Elf Card, T-Shirts, buttons and gifts are available at Zazzle.


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