The Runaway Christmas Elf: A Dubious Story


He had enough.
Enough toys. 
Enough cookies and milk.
Enough short people jokes. 
Enough big ear jokes.
Enough of the fat old man and his “ho, ho” this, and his “ho, ho” that.
Kris wanted more…much more.

He wanted a warm sunny climate. He was tired of freezing his butt off all year long. He wanted a good meal. He was just simply tired of his persistent sugar high. If he was going to be high, it would have to be over something better than sugar. 

But most of all, he was tired of Santa. Kris has a really good personality and he gets along with just about everyone…usually. But Santa had started to get under his skin, big time. He can be so annoying with his “wee little folks” and his “cookies and milk for everyone.” (Goodness, can you imagine what it’s like working with a whole group of people that have milk breath all the time?) And when you talk to Santa about…anything, he lifts you up to sit on his lap. It’s humiliating! Kris is twenty-nine already, and most of the others are much older than that.

Well, it was inevitable. He finally broke. He made his escape plans with his closest friend Blitzen. (Blitzen was another one that had been feeling abused and taken for granted. Let’s face it, who really cares what Blitzen thinks. It’s always about that guy with the sleep-robbing-neon-light of a nose. Yeah, well take that nose away and what have you got? Nothing! You got a reindeer with no nose. He’d be nothing. Santa made his rounds fine before he showed up.)

So, the time arrived, they packed a couple of lunch boxes (cookies and milk it’ll have to be for now). Then, they stole some of Santa’s cash, made reservations at the Laguna Ritzy Beach Resort and Spa and snuck out. After they made their way to Sunny California, and had a good meal for the first time in their lives, they hightailed it out to the beach. “Oh, Hoochie Mama! Look at all of the wild babes,” they both exclaimed. Well, these two were smart enough to know that their stunning good looks would get them only so far. So they took their stolen cash and headed out to get some hot clothes that would set off their boyish charms, and Look out California! 

Kris and Blitzen set out to PART-A-A-A with ALL of the California babes. You can almost hear Rod singing in the background about his very sexy body.
Yeah, you go Rod.

But of course, there is always a down side to even the best of circumstances. Now they’ll have to watch their backs, especially at Christmas time when Santa flies over. He has a great satellite surveillance system these days (better than our esteemed Intelligence Community), and a little known fact about Santa is that he’s very possessive about his stuff. You wouldn’t think this was the case with all of the toys he gives out. But when it comes to ‘his money’ and ‘his cookies and milk’ and ‘his elves’ and ‘his reindeer’ well, he’s like a man possessed. They’re his, and he wants them back. So as good as Kris and Blitzen look, they will always have to look over their shoulders, since he really does know when they’re sleeping and he knows when they’re awake.
And he knows that they’ve been very, very bad.

The Christmas Elf Card, T-Shirts, buttons and gifts are available at Zazzle.


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